Chelsea 1-1 Huddersfield Town: Someone hold my drink!

Match report today is written by Alex Churchill from the fantastic Chelsea Blog - A Girl Who Likes Balls. Taking no prisoners, she tells it exactly as it is!

Us: Lots of rotation. For no clear reason that I can fathom. Six changes to a side that played out of their skin at the weekend. Totally. Unnecessary. Caballero for Courtois, Morata back in. Zappacosta instead of Moses, Willian comes back in to the side, as does Pesto in place of Hazard and Bakayoko. Christensen comes in for Cahill.

Them: Honestly, I couldn't name any of them off the top of my head of you offered me a night with  Charlie Austin. Usually you'd expect to see some fading star on his way down the leagues or a relegation fodder mercenary like a Barton or a Diouf jogging about trying to stay out of the championship, but nope.

Lots of the ball from kick off. Role reversal after Sunday, we were the ones playing it from side to side and not achieving a lot. First half decent cross on four minutes almost came to something, before Alonso almost hit it through the keeper on five, but it was blocked, Morata couldn't quite get there on the follow up. Willian had another from range on nine minutes but it was wide. They didn't look like they had a lot to offer at all going forward, we were witnessing a real gulf in class, but since when has that ever stopped us shooting ourselves in the foot? 

Another chance on 10 and another on 11. Their fans were cheering successful tackles and throw ins, the time wasting was atrocious but they were at least enjoying themselves. Kante amused himself by running past their whole team on twenty minutes, and we looked the better side, but we hadn't actually looked like scoring. 

And Refwatch: Lee Mason was trying everything possible to give them a leg up, including 
letting them kick seven shades of sh*t out of Little Willy. Equally it might be that he is too fat to be a professional referee. His cousin, the slaphead in front of the west stand with the flag, was equally bad.

This had become one of those cup ties where you play a team from another league and they drag you down to their level. One goal and I thought the floodgates might open. And we nearly had it on 29 when Morata managed to pull the ball round and smack it towards the bottom corner. Damn it. "Alex," someone tweeted me. "I know we had our chances, but when you get done with Lee Mason in your match report I don't want his mother to be able to recognise him." Someone hold my f*cking drink.

33. note the time. Mason gives free kick in Chelsea's favour. His measurement of ten yards is
criminal. He's so knackered by the eighth step that he looks like a dog dragging its arse across the ground after it's taken a sh*t.

Their keeper was really getting on my tits now. The entire crowd was on his back about how long it was taking to put the all into play. It was like watching Sam Allardyce after a midnight orgy in a pie factory as he slothed his way up to the ball to do anything. The only oblivious person in the ground? Mason. Dumbly staring at events like Harry Kane trying to work out how to open an automatic door. No I lie. He warned him. On about twenty minutes and then let him carry on doing it for another hour. Note also the pre half time stoppage for someone in red rubbing their thigh after he'd waved off three fouls on Chelsea players. The reason? The honed specimen that was the referee, yes him that wasn't within twenty yards of the action if the ball was moving, wanted to stop for a f*cking drink and a kebab. Then followed it up with a beer and a fag. It has been a while since we've witnessed such an artless performance from an official at the bridge, and this was just the beginning.

40 minutes and we almost stung them, when Morata just ran out of a viable angle and cut it
across the face of the goal. There then ensued another pretend injury from the away side.
Someone pointing at his toe and crying. Chris Lowe, whoever the f*ck that is. Alf Garnett (sitcom alias) swears that he won a place in the side in the Huddersfield Lottery. Runner up gets a cabbage. Two minutes of extra time. P*ss take. As a Terrorist Steve (special alias) pointed out. Each goal kick has taken two minutes.

But, we said, at least the twat let it run to cover our free kick and corner too. Well at least he
pretended to. When Willian finally received the ball from the away crowd, he waited for him to get to the corner and then blew the f*cking whistle. Where the f*ck is Jon Moss when you want him Jesus, I'd take Bobby Madley right now. This could only be worse if someone fished out Overbo at halftime.
      
If we play the second half to 50% of our ability, said I, then we should annihilate these halfwits.
They didn't want to play football, they wanted to just not concede and flail to the end. If we score first they've had it. The teams emerged. So did Lee Mason with the remnants of a pint of Stella and some chilli sauce dribbling down his chin.
      
Then they were ahead, and Caballero was lying dead on the floor, having been fouled. Mason,
I should point out, was still in their half. He had missed one on Willian too. PGMOL would literally be better off if they piled up his £80,000 salary and set fire to it. They wouldn't have to faff about working out the dickhead's national insurance contribution. After a five minute lapse in which Mason consumed two cheesecakes and a jäger bomb to keep himself going, the time-wasting, feigning injury and general cheating got worse. When the referee is awarding fouls on the basis of whether he needs a breather or not, you're f*cked. 

Within a couple of minutes of their goal Conte had brought on The Beard to partner with Morata at the expense of a right wing back. I'm not giving him any credit for this, because for me he went full bunny boiler tonight. Joking about Mason aside, had our manager actually just played the f*cking team that caned Liverpool instead of unnecessarily changing half of them just for sh*ts and giggles for people that have barely played, then we probably wouldn't have been in this situation. We could have been 3-0 up by halftime. 

Judging by the rage coming off of everyone on the train to Wimbledon, this was a strong consensus, and people have had enough of him. For his change to have any impact we were going to have to actually rediscover the art of passing a football. And stop giving the ball back to a side that just want to lie on the floor holding it till they can go home. I'm usually pretty pleased to see Hazard stripping off. Even more so today just before the hour mark. Pesto made way.

We were now playing with two defenders. Full assault on their goal. There wasn't a Huddersfield player within twenty yards of the halfway line. 1-1 Alonso, who'd spent most of the match playing as a striker because there was no need for him to defend. He knew as little about it as we did. Who f*cking cares.

It's amazing what you can do with half the team playing up front.  64:39 we got a free kick.Probably because Mason needed another fag. If we were Sp*rs we’d make a DVD about it. 

At this point Huddersfield were already pretending to have cramp and trying to employ every last ditch time-wasting method known to football. Point of reference for their manager, this isn't "passion" or "spirit." It's embarrassing. If Lee Mason had once shown a card, or waved this nonsense on this need not have been the case. He was still giving their keeper friendly warnings about time-wasting on 70 minutes. He didn’t book him until 87. Boycie was taking out his rage on my bag of jelly babies by biting the heads off them. 82 was the moment for the winner if it was going to happen. The ball did everything but cross the line. If we were Harry Kane or the Red Scouse, they probably would have given us a goal. 

So: If Lee Mason were a racehorse, you'd shoot him. Brace yourself for a spate of whippets being named in his honour up north. Had Conte picked a side properly, instead of treating this must win match like a contempt ridden league cup tie in September then tonight would have been very different. Huddersfield employed every dirty trick in the book to manipulate a result out of this game and it worked, just, in large part because the game was shat all over by an appalling referee. The Red Swarm are going to write this up like they were f*cking gladiators and that this is what football is all about it. Don't believe a word. It was a travesty for the Premier League because a long standing representative that actually comes to play football is going to go down this weekend to make room for more of this dross next year. 

We'll all be supporting Brighton come the weekend. In the hope that Conte doesn’t do the same again. I’d hate to think it was a parting shot, I think he’s a better person than that. I am however quite looking forward to seeing the back of him now. Ten months of his tantrums, whining and sulking has taken its toll. 

AC
@CFCgwlb