Chelsea 1-0 Swansea - Are you not entertained?

Some rotation again with four changes. Dave dropped out of the league starting eleven for the first time since anyone last had any expectations of Arsene Wenger as a manager. Rudiger came in, and Pesto (auto-spell is still as sh*t as pre-desert) also started, but more importantly Alf Garnett (sitcom alias) pointed out that not one of our players was wearing gloves. Which made me prouder than the fact that Bertie the kitten managed to somehow detach a fake fluffy bird off the Christmas tree from five feet up without knocking it over before he deposited it on my pillow as a present at four am this morning. Evil cat genius.

This was obviously the kind of thrilling encounter that makes people turn out in droves on a cold winter night. Hence a fair few empty seats and an air of lethargy at the Bridge at kick off. There was a penalty shout that we were never going to get given less than thirty seconds in, which gave a false impression that this might actually be a good watch. This one I could live with, but then we were denied one of the most obvious spot kicks you will ever see on eight minutes. Unless your name is Neil Swarbrick. The Scouse would have been given two penalties for that. Flappyhandski was beaten when a Willian free kick somehow missed everyone and almost crept in the far corner and a quick shot by Zappacosta on 15 was easily saved, but we had no more clear attempts to speak of early on. Swansea looked sh*t, but, and this is difficult to explain when we were so dominant, we hadn't exactly come out all guns blazing ourselves. You felt we could be doing more. However the chances began to mount. Some hapless nonsense in their own box almost resulted in a goal from Pesto, from a corner on 19 minutes the ball was headed back over the bar by Morata, and we seemed to be warming up. He almost notched up another headed goal moments later. The away side had everyone back and still couldn't prevent us taking potshots at them. Time and time again our number nine was unmarked in the box, and surely at this rate it would only be a matter of time before we scored.

Or not. Somehow whilst fashioning all of these attempts, the game just seemed to plod along. There was a brief diversion in the Shed from a couple of fans that managed to take a song that has one word by way of lyrics (Chelsea) and somehow sing it both out of time and out of tune. One of them expended so much energy on this that he had to go home at half time. There was another penalty shout, but by way of applying some fitting moron logic to Neil Swarbrick's f*ckwittery, it he didn't give the second one he certainly wasn't going to give that. Then another Morata attempt was tipped over. According to Bet365 Swansea had had 47% possession in the first half hour. B*llocks. Unless you are counting all the time spent by Flappyhandski dawdling around his box with the ball in his hands like a tit in a trance. Timewasting after four minutes. Sigh. It also helps when you get awarded a free kick every time you fall over. 

A bullet header went close from Alonso (who, as it's been pointed out to me by Karn has let his highlights grow out. Spoilsport) and then on 41 minutes the ball skimmed just wide before it was put out by Swansea. Then chaos erupted because Neil Swarbrick is a spunkmuppet who can't do his job properly. Conte was sent off for making sense and the Daily Fail are now having a circle jerk in the office getting ready for the "Chelsea are the enemies of football" sh*tfest tomorrow morning. At least he was still ranting from the stands. One minute added on? It took Flappyhandski that to take each goal kick. Not to mention all the time Neil Swarbrick wasted on the sideline being an a*sehole. Hazard's not going to get the night off after all, is he? 

Alonso put in a great cross just after the break but a defender got a foot on it. There was much sarcastic applause for Swarbrick for giving us a corner shortly afterwards, but being Chelsea we failed to clear the first man. A sitter was missed on 52 minutes, but dull would be an understatement for this match. Nobody was playing badly, but this was just starting to feel like an FA Cup tie against a League One side where you get dragged down to their level. Then out of nowhere came a shot from Kante, a deflection and a flying header from Rudi, who had come out of the dressing room after half time like a man possessed. Boycie(sitcom alias) and I couldn't figure out quite what happened, and frankly, we didn't care. 1-0 and sparked into life would be an understatement. Batten down the hatches leek munchers. We are coming for you. Probably. Chance after chance followed, but we failed to double our lead. Leroy Fer had their first shot after more than an hour of play tonight. It was atrocious, and nowhere near on target, but excited their fans who started singing “We've had a shot” in good humour. That was the sum total of their endeavours tonight. Life didn’t get any easier with the introduction of Hazard and Moses, who made his first appearance since Klopp last had a wash. Not only is he fit again, but while he's been off sick someone appears to have shown him how to take a throw in. DD for Willian completed the changes. Flappyhandski continued palming the ball away and tipping it over the bar, and despite me finding him hilarious stopped it being a somewhat casual rout on our part. As for Refwatch: Swarbrick. I think I made it clear he was a c*nt. Despite his best efforts to award them nonsensical free kicks as the clock wound down and despite our best efforts to shoot ourselves in the foot, the points were safe. 

So: Last up on Match of the Day. This game was about as pretty as a drunken Lindsay Lohan mugshot. On another day we might have been punished for being pretty lacklustre and wasting countless opportunities. But to say that Swansea looked like a pub team would be an insult to the pub. Their marking from set plays was pathetic, they time wasted from kick off, and in the odd occasion they did try to play the ball forward they were bereft of any creativity. The one and only thing that were good at tonight was smashing it out of the six yard box, but I don’t think I believed they would be able to hold out for 90 minutes. We knew that Antonio couldn't do what he did last year. He couldn’t use the same players every game because there are too many fixtures. Thus far I am more than satisfied with his attempts at rotation, especially given that the summer transfer window did not live up to his expectations. Still in everything, with a decent fixture run coming up. What can possibly go wrong?

AC

Check out more from Alex on her fantastic Blog - A Girl Who likes Balls.